i say we start a meme where we take jokes that don’t work in other languages and translate them without explanation maybe only tagging with the original language and confuse the heck out of everyone on tumblr who’s not in on the meme like
in italian we say “prince light blue” (prince azzurro) instead of “prince charming” and i just saw a joke that in english would be “if you can’t find your prince charming, the solution is to take a random dude from the street and paint him”
what’s the difference between a stapler and a sewing machine? a stapler staples and a sewing machine doesn’t
i take it back, these are still funny in a completely different way
What’s the strongest cake in the world? Mike Cake.
What do you call a fish that’s a thief? A sea bass.
What’s the difference between a cow and sheet metal ? None, both of them have milk
I don’t even care if don’t know what the joke is these are hilarious.
Boy pig said to the girl pig: “Let’s suffer.”
What happens when the sheep come to the grass field? Strawberry.
What do you call a cybercriminal cow? Minced meat.
what does leonardo dicaprio eat?
leonardo eats sandwiches
whats a melon you cannot eat?
an idiot
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty. What comes after twenty? Police.
You can’t piano a piano, but you can lean on an elephant.
What’s a pale mammoth? Helmut
Oh this is absolutely amazing!!
‘A fallow deer to another fallow deer: – let’s play hide and seek – please, no
What type of bread can’t be eaten? Propane.
What does a bee do at the gym? Zumba.
When is the best time to eat seafood? Wednesday.
What do an orange & an elehpant have in common? They both peel;.
These all sound like those jokes 4 year olds make up before they fully grasp the concept of a joke
– 3 breads and 2 tarts tatin, as usual
– Good memory!
– Easy sir: bread, bread, bread, tarte tatin, tarte tatin
You cant go to the drugstore, it closes at 6.
No matter how wasted you are, Goethe was a poet
kla-one, kla-two, kla-three, piano
I wrote potatoes on a paper, and people did read potatoes.
Time for my favorite dutch joke/riddle
A sailor got stranded on an island. There’s three islands total. 1st one has the sailor. 2nd has a donkey. 3rd has a tree with a coconut. There’s sharks in the water, so he can not swim. The sailor is so so hungry, now how will he get to the coconut?
First he made a plan. But the plan fell into staves. Then using the staves he made a barrel. But the barrel sank. That stood like a pole above the water. So he climbed the pole and waited till he weighed an ounce. Then the wind carried him to the second island.
On the second island he grabbed the donkeys tail and the donkey started braying. Using these beams he made a raft and sailed to the third island.
He finally arrived on the third island, but alas the tree was too tall, he could not get the coconut. So he sat down with the boxes and kidneys. The kidneys he left, but the boxes he stacked, so he could pluck the coconut. But he could not open it, so he laid down his axe. So he picked up the axe and opened the coconut.
i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream
you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said “i have 5 kids”
I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. I asked her why, and she shrugged and said “I just don’t care”. We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again.
new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks
Actual conversation I had at register:
“Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can I get you, today?”
“How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?”
“I- I’m sorry?”
“A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?”
“Oh. uh. Well, it’d be I suppose… I only have a button for a Quad. I don’t have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single… drink.”
“Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many ‘add shots’ is that?”
*deep breath of fear* “It’d be a quad with,” *clears throat* “uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma’am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-”
“Taste means nothing to me.”
At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being.
“Oh. Well, okay.” I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. “We can certainly get that for you! The price will be _____.”
She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street, and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it.
“Do you still have the ‘Add Energy’ packets?”
My heart began to race at this request. “Yes ma’am.”
“How many can I add?”
Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. “For health reasons, we won’t add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually.”
“One then.”
I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was … not something to be spoken aloud.
My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. “No.”
The woman, which I call her for no other greater insight into her terrifying being is within my grasp, simply stands on the other side and says, calmly but with a commanding tone I expect of Admirals in bad movies, “Yes.”
My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Matrena’s of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring.
The barista was damn near shaking. This woman’s gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place.
Our visiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup.
Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left, and we knew nothing more of her after that.
When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about “The Company” as if we’d never l, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus,
“Yeah, I had one like that.”
I don’t worship coffee and caffeine means nothing to me, but I can still respect this Genuine Cryptid and the excellence of the storytelling. @katjohnadams a fine tale – well told, well told.
These are things a character written by @thessalian would do. The protagonists. (Okay, maybe antiheroes…)
I’m imagining Frigga doing this to some poor mortal and its hilarious
This is the money pentacle. Reblog and unexpected money will come to you!
Shiiiiit. I reblogged, and I got $750 in two days for basically nothing! The first day this client/POT asked my agent to invite some girls and I to his end. We basically sipped wine and left with $500 each. He called me yesterday and we took a ride on my highway and gave me $250😂😂😂. Money blogs everyday any day!
Won’t chance it.
Yo this shit works not even gonna front like I didn’t just get money
Let me reblog this 2x then 😂
Do the thing pls
im screaming it worked lmfao
Not to be a “tumblr witch” but I’ll try anything twice
Guys…. I didn’t think it would work but wtf….I just checked my email…
I have an extra $600 I didn’t have before ;____;
Lets go!
Pleaseeeeee
Every time I reblog these I find 30$-60$ in random places^ ^“
listen i need some cash so i can invest in a printer so i can sell prints and stickers and stuff so
blease,,, money pentacle,,
this has never worked for me but i REALLY need a new microphone
Okay these are usually bull but I just got texted to babysit tomorrow. (And since they go to sleep early I’m essentially getting paid to watch Netflix)
Ng’s masterpiece (which you all need to read, like, yesterday by the way) seamlessly pulls the reader under with this captivatingly cryptic opening line.
She poses several questions right off the bat (who is Lydia? Why is she dead? Who killed her?) that keep the reader captivated for the entirety of the novel.
Of course, Ng is aided in keeping the reader hooked with her immaculately crafted, three-dimensional characters, with all of whom the reader can’t help but empathize by the story’s end, but this doesn’t make her opening line any less masterful. She is, in all ways, an amazing writer.
2. “There was a boy called Eustace Clarance Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.”
– “Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” by C.S. Lewis.
Okay, first of all, I’d like to point out the substantial irony in a person named Clive Staples Lewis critiquing anyone else’s name. But that by no regard diminishes the comedic brilliance of this line.
Even if I hadn’t been such a Narnia fanatic as a child, this line alone would have made me want to become one. Sometimes, all you really need to do is make the audience laugh with a well-crafted joke.
3. “All this happened, more or less.”
– “Slaughterhouse-Five,” Kurt Vonnegut.
Who doesn’t love Vonnegut? Well, I might not be the most impartial person to ask about this. His absurdist sense of humor taps into something visceral in me.
Nevertheless, there’s something about this line that has a near universal appeal: it shows that the author is self aware enough not to take his work too seriously, and also shows that the work should be a lot of fun. There’s also a familial quality about it, like listening to a tall tail from a favorite relative, and creates a sense of personability that remains prevalent throughout the novel.
4. “Call me Ishmael. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.“
– “Moby Dick,” by Herman Melville.
I wanted to skip this one, I really did, if only because it’s so unanimously acknowledged as one of the best opening lines in literature. But it really is amazing.
It creates an immediate sense of conversation between narrator and reader, without being overly personable. Ishmael cuts right to the chase, and plunges us immediately in to the story at hand, like a harpoon into the blubbery flank of a wale.
Also, in context of the dramatic events of the story, I can’t help but find his casual attitude about the ordeal very amusing.
5. “If you’re reading this on a screen, fuck off. I’ll only talk if I’m gripped with both hands.”
– “Book of Numbers,” by Joshua Cohen.
This is a book that knows what it wants and is not afraid to ask for it. Cohen’s book is meta fiction at its finest, and its opening line is unabashedly reflective of its own self-awareness.
Book of Numbers isn’t for everybody, but it’s hard not to love this opening line.
6. “It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn’t been invented yet. But clouds massing east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way, and it was going to be a big one.”
– “Good Omens,” by Neil Gaiman and Terri Pratchett.
I’m not going to lie: Good Omens is one of my all-time favorite books. This opening line is a promise for the themes that are prevalent throughout the book: hidden depth, wit, and existential questions beneath a thick layer of upbeat, cheerful irreverence and satire.
Like the book itself, it asks serious questions without ever taking itself too seriously, and makes for an enormously fun read that will make you laugh and make you think. I highly recommend it.
7. “I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids—and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination—indeed, everything and anything except me.”
– “Invisible Man,” by Ralph Ellison.
This one is both an objectively intriguing opening line, and a potent one, when viewed in the context that Ellison himself was a Black man. Published in 1952, the line resonates with marginalized groups to this very day, and is evocative of a very real struggle – the “invisibility” – of Black Americans, then and now.
It is timelessly pertinent and powerful.
8. “The story so far: In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
– “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe,” by Douglas Adams.
Oh, Douglas Adams. One of my greatest sources of literary inspiration, who taps into my sense of dry, somewhat absurdist humor like no other. I might have to make another post devoted to all of my favorite of his lines, but that’s not the point here.
This line is magnificent, because it immediately sets the tone for the novel and gives the reader a clear image of what to expect (predominantly, razor-sharp wit and satire.) It’s also short and simplistic, and very clearly doesn’t take itself too seriously, just like the novel itself.
9. “Shadow had done three years in prison. He was big enough and looked don’t-fuck-with-me enough that his biggest problem was killing time. So he kept himself in shape, and taught himself coin tricks, and thought a lot about how much he loved his wife.”
– “American Gods,” by Neil Gaiman.
This line is, in my opinion, almost perfect. It gives us an immediate image of Shadow, his personality, his values, and the challenges he’s facing, while at the same time jumping right into the action of the story without wasting the readers’ time with needless exhibitionism.
It also creates immediate interest in the story, and asks many questions that can only be answered if by continuing to read it. It’s almost as amazing as the book itself.
10.
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
– “Pride and Prejudice,” by Jane Austen.
This is another one that I, for the sheer purpose of originality, wanted to avoid getting around for the purpose of this list, but there’s simply no avoiding it: this line is amazing. It’s a crime of our era that people consider Austen such a “serious” writer, when she was, in fact, possibly the greatest satirist of her time.
This line encapsulates the irreverence of this novel, as well as Austen’s razor-sharp wit and intelligence. Like most of Austen’s works, it remains a classic.
This is Dany. He has anxiety, but he’s full of love.
This is Tally, a 10 yo 18 pound Maine Coon, who will let you use her tummy for a pillow when you’re sad, and will just purr & groom you until you feel better 💕
This is Jareth, a rescue who advises you to consider the benefits of a good long nap
This is Miss Noir. Her hobbies include being besties with the food bag, running away from things in fear, and stairstep lurking.
This is Miss Nicole. Her hobbies include being an immense asshole.
This is Uno. He thinks things are gonna be okay. I intend to believe him.
This is Kit. He likes chasing bugs, digging in his litter box, and being aggressively cuddly.
this is crookshanks she’s orange
this is Keyes he’s my lead strategist
this is toast, hes a cool dude
This is Rosie. She’s loud because she’s full of bees
This is Sweety he is very large
This is Khensu he belongs to my neighbors he’s half Maine coon I hang out with him when he gets lonely
This is little cat, she loves headbutts and standing on people
this is Elly she’s very soft and a butthole
This is Lord Peter Wimsey and he thinks everything belongs to him.
This is Pumpkin he has a great purr but his dignity is defective
This is naruto uzumaki and hes a little cunt
This is Latte; she’s charging her warmth meter by my hot PC and getting ready for a lap attack.
That’s Litellest Kitty who gives me allergy and gets really fluffy in the winter TT
This is Lucky she’s very angry
This is Booger, he’s 20 pounds and an asshole but he likes chin scratches and snoring
Here a two-for-one! Shadow and Simba, who both know they’re not supposed to be on the fucking kitchen table, but if they look cute enough they might get away with it (they definitely do).
This is Roman. He thinks biting and showing affection are the same thing.
This is Keli on @thisallegra’s robe. She’s meowsy and loves pets and scritches.
I know cats have a stigma of being evil little robots who care for nobody but themselves. I don’t deny that there are some out there like this. But in defense of the large majority of darling cats who have been given a bad name due to the wicked few, I would like to tell you a story…
I am asthmatic. I’m not as bad as some; my asthma is generally well-controlled, and I don’t have much trouble with it on a daily basis. However, as all asthmatics know, getting sick becomes a nightmare. Even a small cold can turn into a days-long asthma attack, one that is very painful, and very annoying for me and those around me. The asthma cough sounds like an ill seal at best, or an angry moose with a nasal condition at worst. Y’all with asthma, and y’all with asthmatic friends, know exactly what I’m talking about. The bark. The hack. The Cough Heard Round The World. It’s painful, it’s loud, and it doesn’t stop. Even the rescue inhaler can only do so much to calm it. It just has to run its course with the cold.
Well, this week I caught the crud, and in the past few days it deteriorated into The Cough. Last night, I took some NyQuil to try and stave it off for as long as I could, just to try and get some sleep. That meant that for a few hours, I was cough-free. After that, I was still doped up enough to sleep through some of it. However, by 2am the sleep aid had worn off and The Cough woke me up. Since lying down makes it worse, and I didn’t want to wake my sister, I sneaked out of my bedroom into the living room, where I sat on the recliner and proceeded to hack up a lung while I waited for my next dose of NyQuil to kick in. That is when I noticed Simon.
Simon is a Russian Blue with a masterful resting-witch-face and an attitude to match. She (yes, she’s a girl, that’s another story) is old, fat, proprietary, and attitudinal. She isn’t shy about telling you when she is displeased, and does so with a loud shriek and some teeth or claws thrown in. She is convinced she owns the place, and owns all of us in turn. She is particular about where you can pet her, like most cats; and, like most cats, she loves her sleep and hates to be woken up.
And of course, my hacking woke her up.
Attempting to whisper an apology in between bouts of coughing, I noticed she was getting off her perch atop the chair nearby. She stretched, made a little squeaking sound, and trotted over to me.
I expected her to demand petting as payment for having woken her precious sleep, but she did not. Instead, this traditionally cranky dragon of a cat did something that amazed me.
She began to purr loudly, and sat herself directly on my aching chest. She kneaded my sternum softly, and nosed my chin as if to say, “I’ve got this, you sleep.” Even though I was still coughing, and bouncing her horridly in the process, she remained settled on my chest right above my diaphragm, purring loudly so that it vibrated through my ribs. I don’t know what magic spell she was chanting between her boat-like purrs, but within minutes my cough had subsided and I was able to sleep.
I didn’t wake up until about 4:30. When I did, it was to discover that my lap and chest were devoid of Simon’s presence, and I was coughing again. As I started coughing once more, I heard her familiar “I’m here” squeak from the area of the water dish. I heard some hurried lapping, and then her heavy gallop across the floor. She flumped onto my lap again, and resumed her purring and kneading. She had evidently been doing that for the past 2 hours, and had only left to get some water. Hydrated, she had returned to take care of me.
So yes, she has her share of evil, jerk-cat moments, but I can no longer pretend that Simon is entirely heartless. For that matter, I now refuse to believe that about any cat. Just because they act like a jerk doesn’t mean that they don’t love you.
So, fun fact. Scientists have not figured out why cats purr but one of the leading theories is that it helps stimulate the healing process because cats purr even when they are sick or hurt.
Update: Legolas’ pupils are about 3.5 cm wide each. Now drawing kawaii Legolas on physics assignment.
And they told you science was no fun.
Science!
I’m going to do it. I’m going to hand it in.
Legolas’s pupil size isn’t the problem here, though. 5 leagues is 17.262 miles. The curvature of the Earth means that for a person of average height, the visual horizon is less than three miles away. Even if your vision is telescopic and the atmosphere is perfectly clear, you can’t see around the planet. If they were standing on a hill, it would have to be at LEAST 198 feet above sea level in order to see the horizon at 17.2 miles away, with nothing tall in between. Which, knowing Rohan, isn’t impossible.
But consider: Elven satellite eyeballs.
you mean like
@sidereanuncia it’s back, the post that I can only imagine haunts your nightmares
I shall never find peace.
Also, for what it’s worth, there’s absolutely no reason to believe that the curvature of Middle Earth is the same as that of Earth.
There’s no evidence that Middle Earth curves.
Yeah there is. The Silmarillion states that the world was curved after the fall of Numenor (I believe), preventing access to Valinor. But Elves (among others) can travel the straight path across it.
So middle earth is round, but not for Elves because magic.
So wait, the reason he can see that far is because Elves just have the ability to ignore the curve of the earth? That’s awesome. It also means that no matter how good your optics got, you would always want elf eyes manning the spyglass because they can see arbitrarily far while everybody else is limited by this ‘horizon’ bullshit.
Oh thank God, my poor elf prince has seen too much in this post
Elves are flat-earthers
This post went from amusing to horrifying, to be brought back down to amusing, sprinkled in with some cannon explanation, and then you leave me here in fucking outrage
marshcookie 